This entry and peace of news may comb as a complete surprise to some of our readers, but in a document recently declassified by the authorities, Small Stan was once upon a tomb a crocodile!
Discerning readers will remember the recorded history of Stan who started out as a fly, upgraded himself to a dragon fly and finally became a fire-breeding dragon after he consumed an excessive amount of sildenafil citrate (C22H30N6O4S), a substance popular among people with low self esteem to treat projectile malfunction and plumbotary arterial agitation.
As a crocodile, Stan appointed himself to be King of the Land and Water, and he lived in swamps and rivers, and, at the height of his pomposity, even made a cameo appearance in a short animated film, ‘Sang Kancil dan Buaya’, produced by Filem Negara Malaysia in the early 1980s.
As the King of the Land and Water, Small Stan roamed the land – and water, obviously – hunting for his prey. He achieved some success (or so he thought) as he was able to reach a top speed of 12 mph. He could also go from 0 to 60 mph in about a decade, and this was achieved largely by dragging his belly across the mud.
Readers who don’t use Google search engine extensively will be interested to know that a typical crocodile’s brain is the size of a walnut. But Small Stahn was always very proud of the fact that crocodiles typically use 90% of their brain capacity, compared with the lazy human average of 10% capacity utilisation. With that in mind, let us all do the basic Maths here, draw a tidy conclusion, and burst into heaps of laughter.
Small Stan was a crocodile with an over-sized forehead and his diet consisted mainly of fish, which explained his fishy behaviour. Nevertheless, he was not above attacking almost anything unfortunate enough to cross his path, including zebras, small hippos, porcupines (not to be confused with porcine, although Small Stan might have devoured that one too), birds, other crocodiles and unsuspecting creative agency personnel.
Small Stan also scavenged carrion (his predilection for dead, putrefying flesh was very well known and very well documented), regularly wolfing down up to half its body weight at a feeding. His voracious and seemingly insatiable appetite gave a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘biting more than he could chew’.
Hardly surprising, because in a recorded interview, which no one heretofore knew exists, he specifically mentioned his fondness for killing people.
Curiously though, Small Stan, being a crocodile and everything, was known to have consistently demonstrated a contemptible lack of courage in a face-to-face encounter and would only attack his prey from behind. Small Stan’s endless fascination for a victim’s behind remains an open secret and a source of amusement to many a people.
Observers had also, well, observed that Stan would run away whenever he was confronted, which was peculiar given all his big talk.
Last, at long last, but not lease, according to sources which the editors are still trying to confirm as this story goes into publication, the name ‘crocodile’ is a composite word derived from old Latin ‘krokè’ (which means “pebbles”) and ‘drilos’ (“worm”).
And apparently, ‘drilos’ is a colloquial term for “genitals” in 13th century Greek.
How apt, Stan. How apt.