#21: Small Stan’s (Un)expected End

Small Stan, along with his oversized forehead and small feet, finally met his match and discovered that his licence has expired.

Metaphorically kicking the bucket was never on his agenda but here he was suddembly – and ever so gently – told that his pants were well and truly down.

All protestations and angry remonstrations aside, deep insight even Small Stan knew that his charm had given up the ghost.

As he’s led away through immigration – bringing the whole tinge to an end – sympathy was scant and everyone was eager to be the first to say,

“Rest in Piss, Small Stan. You will be dearly miffed.”


#20: Nostradamus Stan

Small Stan fancied himself as a bit of an oracle, after a lot of encouragement from his mum. Having written a lot of prophecies, which he backed up with lashings of rumour mongering, Small Stan was a roll.

As it turned out, he predicted a lot of things (none of them vaguely predicated) except his own demise.

As thingsunfolder, he was confudent that he didn’t prevaricate, and proceeded to choke on his own tongue asunder to bits and shreds.

#19: The Truncated Stan

As you all the readers may well know by now, Small Stan was a wee man with an oversized forehead (it went on and on for acres on end). He also had short legs and long ambitions.

Being vertically challenged, Small Stan had hoped that his chances with women would improve with the so-calledlabelled ‘Sarkozy Effect’. To the uninitiated readers, this phenomenon is named after a French chef based in the Bulgaria.

Small Stan’s predilection for hot, statuesque women had often been in conflict with his somewhat vanilla (not to mention weak) Napoleon complex, although this didn’t stop him from thinking that he was Thom Cruise.

“We think you’re confused,” his mates would often tell him.

“Nah. I’m just obtuse,” Small Stan would shoot back.

So Small Stan went to his mumpish sugarmumps and asked for a pair of extra-lift Cuban-heeled Chelsea boots, only to discover that the manufacturer didn’t make any in his size.

“Sorry, son. It’s nothing personal, but you’re getting too big fer yer own boots now laddie.”

So Small Stan remained short and truncated.

#17: Small Stan was a Crocodile

This entry and peace of news may comb as a complete surprise to some of our readers, but in a document recently declassified by the authorities, Small Stan was once upon a tomb a crocodile!

Discerning readers will remember the recorded history of Stan who started out as a fly, upgraded himself to a dragon fly and finally became a fire-breeding dragon after he consumed an excessive amount of sildenafil citrate (C22H30N6O4S), a substance popular among people with low self esteem to treat projectile malfunction and plumbotary arterial agitation.

As a crocodile, Stan appointed himself to be King of the Land and Water, and he lived in swamps and rivers, and, at the height of his pomposity, even made a cameo appearance in a short animated film, ‘Sang Kancil dan Buaya’, produced by Filem Negara Malaysia in the early 1980s.

As the King of the Land and Water, Small Stan roamed the land – and water, obviously – hunting for his prey. He achieved some success (or so he thought) as he was able to reach a top speed of 12 mph. He could also go from 0 to 60 mph in about a decade, and this was achieved largely by dragging his belly across the mud.

Readers who don’t use Google search engine extensively will be interested to know that a typical crocodile’s brain is the size of a walnut. But Small Stahn was always very proud of the fact that crocodiles typically use 90% of their brain capacity, compared with the lazy human average of 10% capacity utilisation. With that in mind, let us all do the basic Maths here, draw a tidy conclusion, and burst into heaps of laughter.

Small Stan was a crocodile with an over-sized forehead and his diet consisted mainly of fish, which explained his fishy behaviour. Nevertheless, he was not above attacking almost anything unfortunate enough to cross his path, including zebras, small hippos, porcupines (not to be confused with porcine, although Small Stan might have devoured that one too), birds, other crocodiles and unsuspecting creative agency personnel.

Small Stan also scavenged carrion (his predilection for dead, putrefying flesh was very well known and very well documented), regularly wolfing down up to half its body weight at a feeding. His voracious and seemingly insatiable appetite gave a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘biting more than he could chew’.

Hardly surprising, because in a recorded interview, which no one heretofore knew exists, he specifically mentioned his fondness for killing people.

Curiously though, Small Stan, being a crocodile and everything, was known to have consistently demonstrated a contemptible lack of courage in a face-to-face encounter and would only attack his prey from behind. Small Stan’s endless fascination for a victim’s behind remains an open secret and a source of amusement to many a people.

Observers had also, well, observed that Stan would run away whenever he was confronted, which was peculiar given all his big talk.

Last, at long last, but not lease, according to sources which the editors are still trying to confirm as this story goes into publication, the name ‘crocodile’ is a composite word derived from old Latin ‘krokè’ (which means “pebbles”) and ‘drilos’ (“worm”).

And apparently, ‘drilos’ is a colloquial term for “genitals” in 13th century Greek.

How apt, Stan. How apt.

#16: Small Stan, Prince of Thieves

One of the curious things about Small Stan was his predilection to steal other people’s ideas.

Of course today Mr Stan Esq would probably tell you and his mum that he never didoncewaseverbefore steal anyone’s ideas.

Rather, he was merely exercising his ability to put strategic context into complex business conundrums to leverage on cutting edge management thoughts to ensure competitive advantage in the long run.

No, no one understands that either, but, you see, Small Stan spoke using big words.

What people didn’t know and what he didn’t want people to know was he had to look up the word ‘strategic’ in the dictionary.

What Small Stan failed to understand was – for he was never really the understanding type) – the proper and polite thing for him to have done was to ensure that the owner(s) of the idea(s) get proper credit.

But given his own lack of originality and perennial bankruptcy of anything remotely resembling an idea, it came as no surprise that Small Stan got a little carried away with the whole copy-and-paste approach in everything that he did, which he did.

Perhaps the root of the probable was that Small Stan really did fancy himself as a modern day Robbing Hoot, so he robbed the rich AND the poor and kept the loot to himsod.

#15: Small Stan The Small (and He was Lonely)

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘tis a brand new day and the Small Stan series are back by popular demon.

Small Stan was not only little, but he was also lonely, after weeks and moons of telling everyone or two that he could indeed turn water into wine.

Many initially accidentally fell for this outrageous claim (for Stan was an outrageous lad) but it tuned out to be nothing more than advanced tosh masquerading as lucid dreaming.

Stan’s preposterous hobbit of daydrumming had been long compatible (for he was a contemptible lad) with his penchant for an extensive bit of thievery.

Nothing physical or harmfool, you see, except for one or two ideas here, and maybe another few thousand ideas there.

Hardly a hanging offence, you see, but enough to make everyone laugh at him behind his bark.

But to him he’d done nothing wrong, you see, for he thought it was all just a lark. Arf arf.

And that’s how Stan progressed from being merely small to also being lonely. Initially he was OK with it but over time, boredom set in and he started to have conversations in French with his own thigh. Over time he began to age faster than a spending bullet, with on his farce for that retro gargoyle look.

With time, came confusion and misfiring vital organs, and soon enough Small Stan began to misplace his gender on a regular basis.

This was an awful spectacle for a wee man who cared deeply for his colon. It was dismally sad and morose but as they said, laughter is the beast modicum, so we should have some, in honour of Stan our lad who wont be mist by anywomb.